Wednesday, 3 September 2014
Today was a total spin cycle.
The kind of day that unleashes, and fuels your inner critic. Her voice taking over and planting seeds of doubt all through your confidence zones. You know the kind of day I'm talking about?
I'm mindful to not define myself by my work, yet in saying that, what I do for a living isn't just a job for me, its a career. Constantly a goal or achievement to accomplish, I always go into work wanting MORE - my inner Yonce demands more from myself, yearns to do big things and make a difference. I live it, I breathe it, I am switched on all the time thinking of new ideas, seeking inspiration and studying everything within my industry.
When you have a day that unexpectedly just knocks you off your ladder, it tends to make you think - am I even good at the thing I love doing?
So many self tormenting thoughts went through my mind today, those questions that punish us women more often than not. You know the ones:
- Why can't I be better?
- Why is my best not enough?
- Maybe I'm not enough
- Have I made the wrong choice?
- Will this ever get better?
- Will I ever be good enough?
- What next?
Awful isn't it? I too often let this voice beat me, and honestly it's hard not to. When you put so much of yourself in yet keep getting knocked down, it does become personal - because it's your work not being enough for the task at hand. My love for my career is a big part of my life when you have a few blows that make you question what you thought were your strengths - how do you fight back? It's like in order to succeed, you need to back yourself yet this is hard when you have given all you've got and you're left wondering if you are worth backing in the first place. And it sucks when you get to that.
All I (and anyone else who has moments like these) can do, is acknowledge that today sucked. It hurt my confidence and it has made me doubt myself. I'm sure its not the last time I'll feel like this, and it sure as heck isn't the first. I suppose it comes down to how much you want it, doesn't it? All I want it to be the best at what I do and if there are moments when my best just isn't enough, then that just means there is more room to keep trying until I get there.
Have you ever felt like this before? What's your trick to help you stay steady on that ladder?